gym twazzocks and why they get on my tits

i am one of those poor unfortunates who must go to the gym five times a week or risk dropping dead. what can i say, i like m’food.

i don’t take a lot of pleasure in it, other than the reassurance that i have staved off death with the power of my bike-thighs.

but one of the rare joys of a gym rat’s life is watching the various breeds of human that feel the wet, the wet of sweat.

i belong to that group who are always on the knife’s edge between invisibility and humiliation.

you will rarely find us in the free weights section, for that is where the mirrors are. mostly you will find us in overlarge t-shirts, daggy trakky-daks, earphones in, head down, bum up. we’re just trying to get it done with the minimum of attention from the personal trainers, and fellow perspirers. we are quiet and we are very aware of the distance between ourselves and the lycra-clad perfection bouncing happily on the treadmill next to us.

i fight this rampant embarrassment with little fuck-yous of my own. one day i’ll wear my ‘be nice to fat people’ t-shirt. the next day i’ll wear one that says ‘too big to fail’. mostly i raise my middle finger by defying expectations and pounding away on that goddamn bike for 45 minutes, or until my arse goes numb, whichever comes last.

then there are the tryhards. at my gym, there’s a couple who always wear matching workout gear — pristine white, skintight singlets, black shorts and those pretentious useless half-finger gloves that apparently are utterly essential for the sculpting of muscles.

this couple lift weights so heavy they are have to change the method of lifting, just to get them in the air — thereby rendering the purpose of that particular machine completely useless, of course.

the other night, it was just me and Mr and Mrs Twazzock on the machines — there were some others in there, but they were on the free weights and treadmills. The Twazzocks were grunting and moaning at one end of a line of empty machines, and i sat down on the compound row set-up to do some repetitions.

i was adjusting the volume on my iPod when Mr Twazzock taps me on the shoulder.

‘do you mind if i jump in,’ he says.

i look around at all the empty machines and decide that clearly the steroids have proven too much for this man’s cerebrum, and i step away carefully.

twazzock.

then there are the Socialisers. these are the women of a ‘certain age’ who turn up in their best lycra, fully made-up, hair perfect and never actually raise a sweat, ever. in fact, the only part of their bodies they exercise at the gym are their flapping gums. yap, yap, yap.

there’s a bloke i call Golden Sweat. he’s the one who — despite the signs all around the gym imploring us to wipe down the machines after we’ve used them — doesn’t even bring a towel. instead he leaves his nectar smeared on everything he touches.

i knew a bloke who went to the gym every day. and every day he wore a flannel shirt with the sleeves ripped off, a pair of denim shorts that could only be described as Daisy Dukes, and steel-capped workboots. he also thought his sweat should be licked off the gear by the nearest chickie-babe.

when i win Lotto, i’m going to open a gym. the membership will be rather exclusive. nobody under 90kgs allowed. no matching clothes. no mirrors. electronic scales that actually can handle real people rather than supermodels. clean, laundered towels available at the door as you walk in, free of charge. disinfectant at every station.

i shall call it Cupcakes. and it will be free for people who need it and absolutely not free to twazzocks.

my blog post over at goldcoast.com.au last sunday … Let’s Talk Suicide Prevention

you can read it here or you can read it here.

SUICIDE is a topic that doesn’t get talked about enough, either within families, communities or in the media.

More people die each year at their own hand than die on our roads.

The latest figures released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics in May of this year are for the calendar year 2009.

There were 2132 deaths by suicide nationally in 2009. The national road toll in the 12 months up to July 2009 was 1510.

That’s a stunning number, particularly when you consider the amount of media coverage the road fatalities and road safety gain in comparison with the issue of suicide and suicide prevention.

For the media, the topic is one fraught with difficulties.

For a start, getting accurate statistics on suicides is problematic. Suicide is a cause of death that is often the subject of coroner’s reports, investigations and appeals.

Every year the statistics are updated as decisions about causes of death change over time.

But that problem is minor compared with the issues surrounding the reporting of suicides.

According to Mindframe, a national media initiative by the Federal Government which provides guidelines for police and media on suicide and mental health, there are over 100 studies into the effect of the media’s reporting on suicide numbers.

Eighty-seven per cent of them find that media coverage of specific suicides lead to an increase in the numbers of suicide deaths.

That puts the media in a tough spot.

On the one hand, we want to be truthful about what’s happening out in the community and on the other hand, we don’t want to be responsible for copy-cat deaths or putting the idea into anyone’s head.

It’s a tough one.

For example, Mindframe recommends that news outlets try not to use the word ‘suicide’ in headlines, unless we’re talking about suicide prevention. In effect it means that in some cases we are not being accurate about certain deaths because we’re terrified to use the word ‘suicide’.

I’m not sure that’s any way to promote discussion. But that’s my personal opinion.

We want to be part of the ongoing and growing community push to reduce suicides by talking more about it, by providing information about what the signs of suicidal behaviour are, and about where to go for help.

According to non-profit mental health organisation beyondblue, here are common behaviours associated with depression:

• moodiness that is out of character
• increased irritability and frustration
• finding it hard to take minor personal criticisms
• spending less time with friends and family
• loss of interest in food, sex, exercise or other pleasurable activities
• being awake throughout the night
• increased alcohol and drug use
• staying home from work or school
• increased physical health complaints like fatigue or pain
• being reckless or taking unnecessary risks (e.g. driving fast or dangerously)
• slowing down of thoughts and actions

There are also checklists that you can fill in that will identify how at risk you may be. Here’s one. Here’s another.

If you are depressed and/or feel suicidal or like you might feel suicidal here are some people to call who can help you immediately:

• Lifeline 13 11 14
• Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
• Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800
• MensLine Australia 1300 78 99 78

There are other agencies who can help with information and longer-term assistance:

• beyondblue: the national depression initiative … 1300 22 4636 (1300 bb info)
• Black Dog Institute

Young people can find specific help here:

• headspace
• Reach Out!
• Youthbeyondblue … (for depression and anxiety and how to help a friend) 1300 22 4636

Men are almost twice as likely to commit suicide than women. Here is a men-specific service:

• MensLine Australia – 1300 78 99 78

For people from a culturally and linguistically diverse background:

• Multicultural Mental Health Australia

For Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people:

• Local Aboriginal Medical Service

When in doubt, talk with your GP, who can put you in touch with a specialist who can help.

well, that was fun … not

hello, did you miss me?

i’ve been having a medical adventure — nothing too dramatic, but enough to keep me off the blogging circuit.

my gastric lapband — my second — went pear-shaped. well, not exactly pear-shaped, but it was buggered. that’s a medical term for No Fucking Use At All.

it slipped. well, it tore away and slipped, technically, as these things are supposedly stitched down to the outside of your stomach when they put ‘em in. And it slipped right to the top of my stomach, effectively meaning my stomach was reduced to a tiny little sac which couldn’t deal with the juices it normally produces, let alone anything i was trying to put in it.

result? constant nausea, constant vomiting, pain, bleeding, and ultimately dehydration. that’s what drove me to the ER a couple of sundays ago, and it all went from there.

i had surgery last thursday to remove the band and its port and since then i’ve been up at the Parental Units abode in Toowoomba recuperating.

back home now, back to actually, y’know, eating and back to work next wednesday.

please, my fellow fat folk. do not get a gastric lapband unless you have done the work in your head. it’s just a tool, not a magic bullet. don’t do it without having your attitude right first, or it’s a painful waste of time.

take it from me. two lapbands, two failures, many scars and several thousand dollars later.

i can never get enough of watching two married women in public

And this one just breaks my heart. If you think gays and lesbians don’t suffer for their sexuality, watch this.

abortion trial a cowardly Bligh act

this is my latest blog at goldcoast.com.au:

ALMOST the worst thing about the recent anti-abortion trial in north Queensland is that it sends a raft of mixed messages nobody wants to address.

The fact that in 2010 Anna Bligh’s Queensland Government went ahead and prosecuted Sergie Brennan, 22, and Tegan Leach, 21, for `procuring an illegal abortion’ is a bizarre insight into the political process.

The pair received RU486 and another abortion drug from Mr Brennan’s sister in the Ukraine, even though RU486 can be prescribed by Queensland doctors.

They did that because, presumably, they wanted to keep the matter private and within their family.

Too bad, said the Department of Public Prosecutions — emphasis on the Public.

For their trouble the couple were dragged through a very public and contentious trial.

Here’s the thing. Why were they prosecuted?

Does anyone really believe that Brennan and Leach were the ONLY people in Queensland procuring drugs for an abortion?

Did the Department of Public Prosecutions just wake up on the extreme right wing of the bed that day and decide to be a pedantic pack of bastards about it?

Or did Anna Bligh decide it was time to test the waters on the subject of abortion? Was she dipping her toe into the murky waters to see what public reaction to the trial would be?

Let’s face it, the issue of abortion has always been an emotive one, and it’s a topic about which few can have a calm conversation. Kind of like euthanasia and same-sex marriage.

The Draconian fact is that in Queensland the only abortions that are legal are ones carried out because the pregnancy is a medical risk to the mother. They can also only be carried out before the 22-week point of gestation.

They’re not even called abortions here. They’re called `therapeutic miscarriages’, a hideous euphemism, if ever I’ve heard one.

This has been the law in Queensland since 1986. Before that, it was just flat-out illegal.

Prior to 1986, if a Queensland woman had reason to require an abortion, it involved either a trip across the border into NSW, where a more-or-less legal procedure had been available since 1971, or a furtive and risky back-street abortion.

If indeed Anna Bligh was just testing the waters, she was dicing with the lives of two young people who were faced with a situation that is never easy, never pleasant, and never has a truly happy ending.

The couple were found not guilty.

If this was a test case — a trial balloon, as it were — you have to wonder if they were ever in danger of being found guilty.

Anna Bligh’s history suggests that she is strong on women’s rights and strongly pro-choice.

The fact that her government has done nothing to decriminalise abortion — and has actively prosecuted one young couple — is an indictment of the cowardice of politicians.

Too timid to use their mandate. Too ambitious to risk losing, even against an Opposition that is the weakest in the State’s history.

The really scary thing about this issue is that the north Queensland case isn’t an isolated one.

In the US right now, for example, there are seven extreme right-wing candidates up for election in next week’s mid-terms who believe not only that abortion should be illegal, but that even the victims of rape and incest should be made to bear their babies full-term.

For whatever societal reasons — the economic situation being the No. 1 reason, in my opinion — there is a rising tide of conservatism that wants to repeal women’s reproductive rights.

I say, this far, and no more.

you can read it again over here, if you like.

health insurance for your pet, but not your same-sex partner

oh the awesomeness of the straight world just kills me sometimes, seriously.

here’s the latest insanity from the United States of Homophobia:

This morning, federal employees who are insured through the Federal Employees Health Benefits (FEHB) Program received an email from Aetna advertising their new pet insurance plans. “In these challenging economic times, it’s good to know you can get some financial protection for unexpected illness and injury to your pets,” the e-mail reads before listing the many benefits.

… The insurance is a handsome perk for those who can afford it, but what’s illuminating about the ad is that while federal employees can buy pet insurance “in these challenging economic times,” LGBT workers are still prohibited from purchasing policies for their partners or spouses by the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) — a federal law which denies federal benefits to legally married same sex couples.

you can read more of this insanity over at Think Progress’ Wonk Room.

Hello 7.21am

Not one iota of sleep. Not one. The good news – pleurisy pain all gone. Still breathing thru sandpaper however. Sposed to go see bariatric surgeon and his psych this morning. Also have to take tax return back to accountant, fill a couple of scripts and empty the Fish Tank of Doom.

Oe i could sleep till 2pm, read a book, watch a movie and tell the world to fuck off till tomoz.

Tough choice.

ok, so on reflection …

… going to work with pleurisy was probably a bit of a tactical error.

i’ve always thot of my job as the ultimate in sedentary, y’know. sit. upload stories, make graphics, rewrite, sub. sit.

turns out it takes a bit to do all that.

even with the help of the great and glorious panadeine forte, m’struggling.

talked to the big boss this evening and probably i’m taking tomorrow off.

i freakin’ hurt.

bonus? enjoy court inn’s awesome crab and sweetcorn soup for dinner.

pleurisy … the perfect middle to an already weird week

so this goddamn chest infection has been brewing for a week. nothing huge. just a bit of fever, achies and a dry cough.

then about 2am this morning it felt like i popped a rib. or at least cracked one. couldnt find a position to get comfortable in. so slept like shit.

went to the doc this morning. pleurisy. perfect.

antibiotics and painkillers, and a medical certificate for the next four days if i feel like i need it.

i dont particularly. it’s not like my job requires me to move other than breathing … lol. anyway i’ll see how it goes.

could be two to three weeks before i’m not sore, according to the doc. so … w00t.

here’s a brainstorm: heart health related to depression

i’m not saying it’s obvious, exactly. but something about this rings true. this from AAP:

CANBERRA, Oct 8 AAP – Methods used to assess heart health can also shed light on depression, new research suggests.
A study by the Australian National University tracked the health of more than 7,000 people in the ACT and surrounding areas over four years.

It used research methods traditionally associated with analysing cardiovascular disease risk factors and found these were helpful in assessing a person’s likelihood of developing depression.

“Cardiovascular risk can be assessed based on a number of behavioral factors such as age, diet and exercise,” lead researcher Philip Batterham said on Thursday.

“Applying a similar categorisation to assessing a person’s risk of depression performed favourably compared to conventional methods used to examine individual risk factors.”

The study found a range of factors led to depression.

Mr Batterham said those suffering many factors, such as financial pressure, unemployment and poor health, were more likely to be depressed after four years.

“However, the risk of depression for those who started with few symptoms was determined more by other lifestyle factors such as substance use or … life events,” he said.

Mr Batterham hopes the results will help the development of an online tool to help people assess their risk of depression and take action to decrease it.